So I’ve been hanging with Kalypso. And for those of you who know me, you’ll know that he’s divorced. His ex-wife is distraught about our relationship. She was someone I was mates with back when I knew her last year, so I felt it was best to be open with her, even though I knew it might cause her some hurt.

I should’ve expected her to overreact. I should’ve expected her to start emailing her hurt and grief across the oceans to ole Sydney town.

I was there for her during their breakup. I was there for her over email and instant messaging every day while she was depressed, seeking work, finding new lovers and changing her idea of self. Let it be known that the other parties to this little saga did not find the time to email eX, let alone console and counsel her during her time of need.

What I didn’t expect was to be bullied by my own anarcha comrades about my relationship. You see - he is offlimits because of certain hurtful things that eX said when they divorced. Things that may be true, or may not be. Who knows? Things that probably are true - but that are the hurtful things that happen in a divorce. I know, I’ve gone through one recently myself. And I know what things are being said about me by my ex (Souvarine) and his once-loving family.

The politics of this story are apalling to me.

I’m supposed to forsake my own pleasure and happiness to impose ostracism on someone who was a friend and is now a lover because his ex may get upset about it. Of course - she has her own boy to comfort her. She has had a string of boys to comfort her.

And then there is the allegation that K is simply using me. Now, it may be true. It may be. But if this is “using” then its a damn sight more equal than any of my previous “mutual” relationships have been.

Politically, I resent being cast as the victim and the dupe. I like to think that right now I have my eyes open and am acting for myself. The suggestion that I am a dupe is an attempt to take away my agency, not so that K can “use” me, but so that those people who do not want me to be with him can get their way.

It’s also a little unnerving to think that my friends assume the only people who would be interested in me are bastards and users, out to take something from me. I am a nice person, a smart person and I can be sweet, loving and good to be around. My friends underestimate my virtues to the point of saying that the only reason someone would want me around is to use me. No-one would really like me for me, right? Wrong and wrong and wrong, again.

I am galled that my anarcha comrade would dare say:

I think that yr personal problems have made you feel lonely and depressed and also, if you don’t mind me saying, u miss having sex after yr brake up with Souvarine. In Kalypso you found comfort and good company but at a great cost.

That “great cost” is, of course, her friendship with me. She doesn’t seem to be aware that I initiated the split with Souv. Nor that he and I hadn’t had sex in many months. I was missing sex well before there was any opportunity to take it.

Yes. I like sex and I tend to hold on to good sex when I find it, but not at the cost of my self-esteem. I’m more likely to stay home with my vibrator than I am to let someone treat me like dirt because they can wield a penis (hand, tounge, whatever) with passable proficiency.

As for this gem, I am astounded:

And I guess I would like you to know that I think that happiness isn’t found with just one partner but with yr whole community. It may sound lame and lovey-dovey but I think that an individual is happy when they know for sure that all their friends are happy. I think that if think about things this way, u might find some solution to yr problems with depression and loneliness.

Community is important. But so is autonomy and freedom. I’m not sure I’d want to be part of a community which cannot tolerate its members to be happy. By her logic, she would find great happiness in my new relationship because it lifts my spirits. But she doesn’t. It isn’t about happiness, its about me doing what I am told.

I love the way that my mate creates the choice for me: Kalypso, or your friends. This is a false dilemma, but it is one which may cause me to lose these friends. Not because I want K more (which may or may not be true), but because I’m not going to be blackmailed when I have done nothing wrong. But my dear mate has it set up so that a choice to refuse emotional blackmail is construed as a choice to betray the “sisterhood” and favour a man. Well, if her sisterhood means having veto over my most intimate actions, then she can stick it.

Political disclaimer: I don’t mean to construe all sisterhood when I talk about this situation. But beware, liberated laydees - not all sisters want what is best for you. Not all sisters will love you enough to let you find out for yourself what it is you need.

a letter to the eX after her emails to my friends calling me a traitor

9 November 2006

eX,

If you want to engage in this victim politics, then go ahead, but leave me out of it. I’ve done nothing to you except support you and offer friendship to you.

I would like to respect your wish to be left alone by myself and others from Sydney. However, I ask that in return you leave me alone. Please don’t contact my friends and comrades to call me a traitor. I never betrayed you. My relationship with K has nothing to do with you. He and I were always friends. Whatever form that takes, you shouldn’t feel that its intended to hurt you.

My happiness doesn’t actually depend on your approval. After a long time being unhappy, I have found something that can help me to be happy, and I want to hold onto that while I can. You are going through similar experiences, and nobody begrudges you having lovers whoever they are. If you keep holding on to being a victim, you’ll end up worse off for it. You have your own life to live and I have mine. Take the joy you have in your life - with your lovers and your job and your friends, and let me have the joy I find in my life.

Have a bit of self respect. Don’t paint me as your oppressor.

Anna